Ruin
by Kelcor
Summary: An introspective telling of what may have happened in ep S001Ep007 after Ryan carried Marissa out of the alley in TJ and before the bagel scene in the Cohen kitchen. From 3 different POV's. Might be a bit OOC. Either way, it ends with lots of h/c for Ryan. Not much dialogue. Rated T for mentions of abuse. COMPLETE. Ch3 Traumatized Ryan/Fatherly Sandy. Please R
1. Chapter 1 - Ryan

_**A/N It's been a while since I've been able to write anything to publish on here! My life has kind of been in a constant upheaval lately, plus I'm writing professionally, too. So that takes up a fair bit of time. And my living arrangements changes, so it's not as easy to just sit down at the computer and write. Then I discovered the bluetooth, wireless keyboard and got one for my i-pad and PRESTO! Unfortunately, it's not so easy to post to from the i-pad but it is doable, so do I will. LoL This will be complete in three chapters, all written and ready to be posted.**_

_**Please R&R... my absence has resulted in my being a little nervous about posting again. :-( Thanks. Now, on with the story! ~Kelcor**_

Ruin - Chapter One

Ryan was numb.

A large part of him was relieved. He didn't want to feel anything, right now. Marissa was being flown back to Newport; while he, Seth, and Summer were driving back. Ryan had wanted to stay with Marissa, to never leave her side, but there hadn't been enough room for him and the doctors and crew. So, he'd reluctantly agreed to let go of her hand.

Even now, his hand flexed open and closed, as if a part of him were missing. And, really, it kinda was.

So, yeah, numb was good. But somewhere, deep in the back of his mind, he worried about whether or not this emptiness, the feeling of being just on the other side of the veil between reality and fantasy, was permanent. Then again, he was even more frightened about actually feeling again. What if he fell apart completely? What if that break was something he just couldn't come back from?

He looked up at his two usually bickering friends occupying the front seat, praying they would start fighting again. Anything to distract him from his thoughts, right now. If only he could turn off his brain as easily as he could his emotions.

Once they were ready to head back home, poor Seth had clearly felt torn, wanting to comfort everyone but knowing he would have to choose, at least for the time being. Ryan made the choice for him.

He had no desire to drive shotgun and have Seth constantly trying to get him to talk, or 'open up', anyway. He'd had enough of that inside the hospital. And, to be honest, his not being able to express any kind of emotion even to Seth, a guy he loved like a brother, just scared him even more that he'd be in this numb state forever.

So, needless to say, he'd been quick to take the back seat for himself, leaving the front seat for Summer. Which was as it should be. Summer needed to be close to Seth a lot more than Ryan did. At least she was able to feel something, which was exhibited clearly by the tear tracks on her cheeks, barely able to dry before being replaced by new ones. The sobbing seemed to have tapered off for the most part but the tears continued in an almost steady stream.

Ryan could remember crying as a kid when his dad had been sent to prison for armed robbery, and a few times after that during some drunken beatings from his mother's first boyfriend. But he hadn't allowed himself that comfort. Tears were a sign of weakness, and weakness was a magnet for the creeps that his mother felt herself drawn to. True, the punching and the kicking and the cruel remarks only lasted longer when Ryan remained stoic, but even as a boy, he'd refused to give them the satisfaction of his tears.

There had been so many statements made, nasty statements, in an effort to break him -_ "You'll never amount to anything"; "No wonder your dad got himself arrested, he was probably trying to get away from you"; "You're nothing but a piece of garbage that your mother feels obligated to lug around with her"._

But there was one thing one particular boyfriend had said that had stuck with him more than the rest, and seemed to ring especially true in this situation... _"You ruin everything you touch!" _

TBC?


	2. Chapter 2 - Seth

**Ruin - Chapter Two**

Seth found himself glancing in the rearview mirror several times over the past hour or so. Not at the traffic behind him but at Ryan.

Summer was sitting next to him and, sure he was concerned about her, too, but at least she was crying. Ryan was like a robot. The careful concern that could always be seen in his adopted brother's eyes was gone. In fact, there was no emotion there whatsoever. They hadn't known each other long but it felt like he'd known Ryan all his life. And even when Ryan was trying to act like he didn't care, Seth could always tell that he did.

But now? Now, all Seth could see was a blank slate. It was like the Ryan he knew had just been shut off and been replaced by quasi-Ryan. It wasn't even an evil twin, it was a droid twin. Like a clone that was missing all the things that made Ryan, well, Ryan. Seth wished he had a superpower that could bring back the Ryan they all knew and loved, to make his best friend open up to him.

And he really wished he could stop thinking in comic-book mode. But it really was a defence mechanism. A lot had happened today, and Seth couldn't help but blame himself a little bit. Okay, a lot. If it wasn't for him insisting that they lie about going to comic-con and then go to TJ, instead, then he would never have been Summer's only hope of going on the road trip, and then she wouldn't have convinced Marissa to join them, as well.

He glanced to the side at Summer who had ended up crying herself to sleep, then in the rearview mirror at a still emotionless Ryan, and felt his guilt grow tenfold. Still another hour to go. This was going to be a long ride home. He was glad there wasn't much traffic travelling in this direction because now his eyes were starting to tear up a bit.

After dropping Summer off at her house with a teary goodbye from her and a 'trying to be strong' smile from Seth, Seth started to ask Ryan if he wanted to sit up front. But his best friend's eyes were closed, forehead pressed against the cool glass of the side window. The tension was still in Ryan's frame, however, so Seth was pretty sure he was faking it to avoid any kind of conversation.

With a sigh, Seth pulled back out onto the street and drove the half a block to their own house. Confirming his suspicions, Ryan got out of the car as soon as Seth pulled the car to a stop. Without even a glance in Seth's direction, he walked up the stairs and into the house.

Seth followed at a trot and entered the kitchen in time to see his bewildered and concerned parents watch Ryan exit through the patio doors and head for the pool house, Ryan's own private sanctuary. He knew explaining everything would only serve to give Ryan way too much time on his own. And, if Seth felt guilty, he knew Ryan, being the one who always seemed ready to carry the fate of the world on his shoulders, would be torturing himself with self recrimination, dosed heavily with self hatred and self deprecation.

So, he simply looked to his dad and, with a heavy heart, said, "I couldn't get through to him. He really needs you, right now. Whether he admits it, or not, he needs you."


	3. Chapter 3 - Sandy

**Ruin - Chapter Three**

Sandy didn't ask any questions, he simply took Seth at his word and made his way across the expansive patio to the pool house. Ryan had already drawn the curtains, probably wanting privacy. But, judging by the expression, or lack thereof, that Sandy had glimpsed on the teen's face, and the fact that Seth was accepting his own inability to get through to him, what Ryan wanted and what he needed were two completely different things.

Not wasting time knocking, Sandy opened the door and stepped inside. What he saw upon entering pulled him to an abrupt halt. Even at his most laid back, Ryan still had an undeniable warmth in his eyes. That warmth was nowhere to be seen tonight, however. But it wasn't replaced with cold. It was replaced with nothing. There was nothing there. The kid just looked... vacant was the best word to describe it.

Ryan was sitting on the edge of his bed, staring at the drawn curtains, not even noticing Sandy's presence. Shoulders slumped, elbows resting on his knees, chin resting in his hands. He was even rocking back and forth a bit. Kid was definitely traumatized by something.

When Sandy sat down next to him, he made sure to be close enough for their shoulders to be touching as a subtle sign of support, and that's when he felt it. A minute shaking. Whether it was due to the shock or to the fact that Ryan was clearly bottling up a lot of emotion was anybody's guess. In all likelihood, it was a combination of the two.

Then he heard a constant, repetitive mumbling. Too quiet for him to be able to make out the words, but there was an undeniable mournful tone to it.

"You gonna tell me what happened?" he asked the teen softly, placing a gentle arm across the quaking shoulders.

Which, Sandy would realize later on, must have been what set off the eruption.

The shaking intensified dramatically and Ryan effectively launched himself off the bed and began pacing the room, putting, Sandy noticed, as much distance between himself and his newfound father as he possibly could.

Sandy simply watched him for a moment, then stood and approached him as he would a trapped and terrified animal. Because, for all intents and purposes, that's exactly what Ryan was. From what Sandy had gathered from the bits and pieces the kid had revealed about his childhood, safety and protection were not commonplace for him. He likely always had to have walls up to guard against the predators his mother used to date; not to mention against the signs of love he constantly craved from his mom, even his brother, and never truly received until just recently when his mother had stayed with them for a few days. She clearly adored Ryan but even so, she had still abandoned Ryan, though this time it had been done out of love instead of desperation. Nevertheless, it affected the kid in ways he would never admit to himself, let alone anyone else.

The one positive thing that stemmed from the eruption was the fact that Ryan's eyes were no longer empty. Unfortunately, that emptiness was replaced with a whole lot of hurt, laced with panic that someone was actually witnessing his vulnerability.

"Ryan, what happened? Talk to me, kid." Again, his tone was soft and filled with as much love as he could possibly put into two small phrases, baring his heart to this poor kid who grew up thinking himself unlovable. But Ryan just continued pacing back and forth across the length of the pool house, not even acknowledging that the older man had spoken.

As Sandy drew closer, however, he heard what Ryan was saying to himself. The volume of the whisper grew in direct correlation with the increasing desperation.

"I ruin everything I touch. I ruin everything I touch. I ruin everything I touch."

"Hey," Sandy said, a bit louder now in an attempt to snap Ryan out of this state of mind he seemed to be trapped in. "You do NOT ruin everything you touch."

It snapped the teen out of it, all right. The panic quickly overrode the pain in his eyes and Ryan bolted for the door, as if just now realizing that he was once again not alone. Sandy blocked his path in two long strides, causing the kid to run straight into his chest and jump back as if electrocuted. Sandy didn't let him go far, though. He placed a hand on each of the teen's upper arms and got a firm grip before trying to gain eye contact.

Ryan squirmed in a vehement attempt to get away. When that didn't work, when he realized that Sandy was determined to hold on, he found a spot on the floor particularly interesting and glued his eyes to it, avoiding eye contact with his father-figure with all his might. "Please," he said softly, his tone breaking Sandy's heart in more ways than he had ever thought possible. "Please, just let me go."

"Never gonna happen, kid." He stared at the teen for a long moment, taking a breath to ensure his anger at whatever or whoever had done this to Ryan didn't get misconstrued as anger at the teen. "You don't ruin everything you touch, Ryan," he repeated, softly this time. "If anything, it's the exact opposite. This family is better for having you in it."

Now, Ryan squeezed his eyes shut, likely trying to block out the world and Sandy along with it.

"Hey," Sandy whispered. Seeing no response was forthcoming, he hooked a finger beneath Ryan's chin and turned his face towards him. "Are you listening to me, kiddo?" Ryan's eyes remained tightly shut but a single tear forced it's way past his defences and rolled down his cheek.

Sandy caught it with the pad of his thumb, eliciting a surprised intake of breath from the teen he had come to love as his own. It pained Sandy to think that no one had ever shown him that one simple act of kindness before. The shaking increased once again, to the point where Sandy was sure the kid was going to vibrate right out of his grasp.

That's when it hit him. He didn't need to know exactly what happened in order to help Ryan. He already knew everything he needed to know. Ryan was traumatized. Ryan was hurting. Ryan needed him to be a father now more than ever.

Decision made, Sandy pulled Ryan gently forward and wrapped his arms around him, holding him tightly against his chest, cupping the back of his head with one hand. For a moment, the teen froze, unsure what to do. Then his fight or flight instincts kicked in, and Ryan decided to try both simultaneously.

But the thing Ryan still didn't seem to realize, was that he really did remind Sandy so much of himself. And Sandy remembered many times when he felt traumatized, like his world was about to end, and, although he never in a million years would have voiced it, and even today would never admit it, all he'd really wanted was to be held. To be assured that if he fell apart, someone would be there to pick up the pieces. So, Sandy held on with all his might, ignored Ryan's protests and pleas to be left alone, and just whispered reassurances to the teen that he wasn't alone, that this is what family does for each other, that he could let go and let his father be strong for him for a change.

Then, at the end of all that, Sandy whispered into the soft, golden strands, "I love you, Ryan."

And it was like a magical phrase, or something. Because a moment later, Ryan broke. His shoulders shook with sobs of anguish now, instead of with the energy it took to hold them in. He clung to Sandy like a life preserver, instead of trying to push him away. He entrusted Sandy with his most fragile and breakable gift... his heart.

The End.


End file.
